CityRail Adventures 1

The following people, in my mind, should be obliged to give their seat up on trains for the elderly, the senior, (most) women, the disabled, the pregnant and me:

Feminists (those left over from the most; especially if they have recently said that they are not treated equally)
Communists (because everyone should be standing or everyone should sitting by their logic, right?)
Fat people

Yes, fat people. On my daily trip into the hell-hole that be Sydney City, I was astonished and amazed that as I set foot upon CityRail’s Carriage of Death, not one soul, person or being (as, in my mind, there are many a non-persons out there) saw it fit to stand and graciously, though with due reason, offer their seat to me. Far be it from the fact that I was, in all assessment, younger than anyone else I could spy, or that I am fit enough to stand (though hardly fit enough to do much else) or that I am in no way physically disabled; is it too much to expect to be offered a seat?

Apparently so. However, I was further alarmed at the fact that I could have, in all honesty, had my seat, if the average weight on one side of the train was lower than 200kgs. Yes, it was Fat Camp Excursion Day (or something to that effect). I’m surprised I didn’t fall to the side upon entering the carriage, as four rather large, hell, fat/obese persons were sitting in a row on the bench in the area that is neither upstairs nor down (limbo perhaps?).

I cocked an eyebrow (as best I could, which isn’t too successful) and stood up against the door, eying off and abusing (internal monologue of course, for fear of being consumed by those being mentally abused) each of the 5-times-a-day McDonalds patrons that had so rudely caused me an inconvenience and dishonour. However, as the train came to a lurching and violent (although amusing to watch the four blobs bounce off one another) stop, I noticed that, to even more of my astonishment and amazement at having to stand, that not five, not even six, but a total of seven not-fat people (I hesitate to call them skinny as they were probably of my build) were seated opposite Porkeyville.

After another tirade (again, internal, still fearful) I began to imagine writing a letter to CityRail, or that laughable fellow Mr. Iemma, or one of his cronies, to ask that the new ‘letter of the law’ dictate that people of weight be required to stand. What would the weight limit be? What ever is higher than mine, of course. If you weigh more than 1.0000~ Thomas, you should be made to stand. Not in my way, mind you. I do detest having to rub against people in the scramble to live another day and exit the train (I suspect there are people that get off on this, though, not necessarily off on me (that would be a first!)). This policy would also help in getting these people fit! I would be initiating a national, or at least state-wide, health program aimed at getting those who manage to eat more than that of an Ethiopian’s life-time in tip-top shape.

I would also be providing the motivation for these dwarf-planets (equal to that of Pluto’s new ranking if you have been keeping an eye on the scientific world as of late) to get fit. If you want to sit down: exercise, stop eating, diet. Your weight isn’t doing anything for your knees at the moment, and standing certainly isn’t going to fix them. Why, you see every day a diet “report” (I actually laughed that I said report in this context) on A.C.A. and Today Tonight, revealing the “successful” ways of shedding those extra thousand pounds. What’s more, if you stand up, you have to attempt (unless you are trying to cop a feel) to stay balanced and upright, and not rolling around on the floor. That means no free hands to have that pre-pre-dinner snack or post-post-breakfast meal (as I will gladly report two of the four Thomas-seat-occupiers were indulging in). You’ll be shedding the kilos just by standing up!

And it’s all because of Thomas.

Perhaps that type of diet could catch on. I wonder if A.C.A. are interested in the Northcutt-method …..

Regardless, this is the policy I hope that CityRail/Mr. Iemma/B. A. Cronie would be interested in. I’m sure they are concerned about the state of their (piss-poor) trains and, because of seating arrangements, would be concerned about weight distribution issues and the mechanics of their, said, (piss-poor) trains. By having these persons of circumference stand in a straight line, and two at each door (if, indeed, they can fit), all additional and unnecessary pressures on suspensions, wheels, tracks, and China, would be averted.

So would be the amendment to the law: The Thomas Act 1.0.



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