The following is a submission (I am taken a-back that someone wants to have their name associated with this blog too) from a Mr. Annon. (Well, I guess no name is going to be associated after all). Apparently it’s a mock Supporting Statement for a Teacher Application, and a very funny one at that. Enjoy:
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT AS A TEACHER: SUPPORTING STATEMENT
Name: Mr Joe Bloggs
Teaching area: K-12, All subject areas, anything really!! If I don’t know it I’ll have the School Holidays to learn.
University: Bogan University
This supporting statement is to be submitted at the time of your personal suitability interview. This information will be considered by your interviewing panel in assessing your potential as a teacher in NSW public schools. Your supporting statement must not exceed the space provided. You must sign the declaration at the end of this document.
PART 1 EDUCATIONAL PHILOSOPHY
1.Within your teaching subject/area how would you ensure that you maximise learning experiences and outcomes for all your students?
Firstly I would ensure equality of outcomes for all my students by not caring what circumstances they come from or their so called, bleeding hearts, special needs, I will be fair to all students and treat them all equally. If they can’t cope with the course, tough luck! This will maximise the chances that those who are not total dickheads finish top of the course. That is if they don’t flee to a neighbouring private school before the end of the semester.
2. How would you go about planning a unit of work, and how would you know if your teaching of the unit was effective?
I would photocopy the first textbook on the topic I found lying around the photocopy room, hand it to an office lady with the appropriate copying instructions and hope that she doesn’t fuck up even this simple task. The best determination of if the unit was effectively planned is if the class can read the text independently and complete the questions for each topic without constantly asking for help. That can really disturb your train of though, reading of the newspaper, perusal of the TAB guide etc.
3. What strategies would you implement to develop effective communication skills in your students?
You need to establish clear guidelines to gain students respect. If they sit down, shut up and at least stay the hell out of my way if they are too incapable of completing the work I believe my communication has been effective in setting my class expectations.
4. What strategies have you implemented to manage student behaviour?
Unfortunately the nansy pansies in government at the moment wont allow be to belt the little shits with a the cane anymore, so I have invented a new method of behaviour management. All students will be hooked up to an electronic charge according to a seating plan. This will allow for students to be given a shock if they talk, move, fall asleep or do anything that could make me look like a dodgy teacher were an executive to walk past.
5. How will you apply the principles of lifelong learning to your professional development as a teacher?
I intend to demonstrate of learning from the past to build future achievements. In keeping with that theme I intend to draw on Past School Exams as the basis for all future ones. This is to ensure consistency of assessment and a hell of a lot less work for me. Once I change the year on the title its’ off to the print room and the challenges addressing in Question 2.
6.How do you see your role as a member of a professional team?
I will approach my role in the faculty like a survivor challenge. By pissing everyone off and making them leave by any means possible I will eventually become the most senior teacher, move on to the head teachers job and form there the executive lounge. This is essentially the merge and from there on I will work on the executive staff in the same way and work to claim the principal’s office for my own along with the title of the sole survivor.
7. How would you assist parents to engage in their children’s education?
By telling them to get off their arse and ask their little runts if they had a good day at school and find out all the pathetic details from their kids or the newsletter rather than wasting my time. I can’t remember all those names, let alone be expected to actually know each child I teach. What a hide these people have!!!
PART 2 PERSONAL INFORMATION
1. Please outline your reasons for becoming a teacher.
Basically I like the holidays. I know that many teachers work during their holidays, evening and weekends. But lets face it by the time I’ve dealt with those bloody office ladies and managed to stay under the executives’ radar I think I deserve a break! Especially when you consider the effort it takes to get shirk all responsibility when your faculty of on staffroom duty.
2. Please indicate any co curricular areas in which you have qualifications, experience or abilities that would assist you in your role as a teacher. Examples could include sport coaching, performance skills (in drama, music or dance), outdoor education, first aid, information technology skills, youth leadership skills or other interests and hobbies.
I am an expert in origami and a fully licensed boxing trainer. This will allow me to connect with the youth culture of the dim witted nerd as well as the loud mouthed bully. With my carefully crafted clam I can help frustrated students deal with their problems by mastering the ancient origami art of making the longest continuous chain out of a Folded Mintie Wrapper and simultaneously sort out peer conflict by showing them the finer points of how to duke it out in the park after school.
3. Give a personal example of an activity that demonstrates your application of any one of the following skills:
Last year I organised a fully sick bucks night for my mate Wazza. Words can’t justify the success of the night save to say that he ended up tied to a telegraph pole. I’ll bring the pictures to the interview.
Outline what you did, and what were the results of your involvement.
We didn’t run out of beer. Enough said.
I declare this statement to be my original work, prepared and written by myself.
Signature of applicant: Date: / / 2006
God-damn give that writer an award!